Tuesday, December 28, 2004

EVEN ROY JONES...



Random notes from the Indy/Detroit on Christmas Day (while eating potato salad, napping, and polishing off a Yuengling six pack)

-First off, what the fuck is up with the slow-mo, black and white montage of the Pacers/Pistons brawl, accompanied by Coldplay's, "Clocks." Because who among us, when presented with images of Jermaine O'Neal caving in someone's head, is not thinking of the real tender ivory tickling of Chris Martin? ATTENTION ESPN: IT WAS A BAR FIGHT. IT JUST HAPPENED TO TAKE PLACE IN A REALLY BIG BAR...A REALLY BIG BAR THAT HAPPENED TO HAVE A BASKETBALL COURT. I mean, Jesus Christ! Indiana is a dry state on Xmas day, kids. Throw on some Fabulous Thunderbirds and let's get to wrasslin!

-It wasn't but 30 seconds into the actual broadcast of the game when this tool up and opened his pie-hole:



Truly, nobody in the continental United States deserves a visit from the cockpunching robot more then Tom Tolbert. While commenting on Jermaine O'Neal's 15 game suspension, Double Tee proudly offers up that he had also had 15 game breaks in his storied 7 year career. But those vacations were due to him being flat out benched because he was a slow cracker! Tolbert continues to make several jokes about the fact that he was a sub-mediocre hoopsman. Does anyone else wonder how the hell this qualifies him to comment on the game of putting the ball in the basket? Like, if I used to drive a bus, and then I kept crashing the shit...I wouldn't then become a public expert on bus driving! Yaoming?!

-Tolbert's two bon mots for the day were, "Fred Jones can flat out score," (which is flat out untrue) and memorably, "REGGIE MILLER AND RIP HAMILTON ARE A COUPLE OF GREYHOUNDS OUT THERE!"

-I swear to God, Ronald Dupree is like the Zelig of the NBA. He must be playing for 4 teams at once. Everytime I turn on a game he's got a different uniform. (ed. note-this was the potato salad talking. ron has only donned chicago red and detroit blue)

-It's always interesting to hear what the NBA arenas are pumping over the P.A. Apparently Punjabi MC is taking Indianapolis by storm. It's a spritely curry-flavored jam with an up and coming MC by the name of Jay-Z! Be on the look out for that kid, he'll go far.

-Watching Detroit play offense is like watching old people eat.

14 Comments:

At 1:59 PM, Blogger Joe said...

Maybe Tom Tolbert aspires to be the next Bob Uecker? Let's just hope he isn't on Mr. Belvedere: 2005.

In any case, Bill Walton is much worse; I can't believe the obvious crap that comes out of his mouth. I kid you not, I once heard him say "Michael Jordan is a guard."

They need to put Walt Frazier on instead.

 
At 2:56 PM, Blogger brian said...

I think Walt Frazier is the worst...he sounds like Joe Namath hitting on Suzy Kolber at all times. "Oooh! Vin Bakerrr with a sliiding sliiippery mooove past Mark Blount!'

 
At 4:03 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Charles Barkley is the hardest to understand, he'll start one sentance, stop it by starting another in the middle then go back to the first while never concluding the sentance. its like trying to read a book that someone tore up.

 
At 10:44 AM, Blogger Pushermania said...

Yuengling is the greatest beer we can't get in Texas. Need to start a revolution...

 
At 10:01 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

walton is god-awful, but we know that; I hate tom tolbert too; walt frazier is lousy, tom heinsohn is absurdly biased, and rick mahorn (on pistons broadcasts) is pretty much incomprehensible. I know 8 or 10 people in addition to myself who would be an improvement over these ass-clowns, and most of my friends are dumb!

 
At 10:20 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

AAAAAHHHHH!!!!! I love watching the NBA but nothing is more annoying than listening to that DUMB ASS Tom Tolbert!!! Whenever Him or Bill Walton are announcing I either have to change the channel or watch the game on mute!!! Seriously they are horrible!!! We have got to do something about this!! I mean it's a start ragging on them on this website, but there has got to be a way that we can sign a petition or something and get them the hell off the air!!! How did Tom get the job? Does he have a rich daddy that is a high ranking NBA official? AAAAAHHHH!!!!!!

 
At 11:08 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Tolbert needs to get off of Ginobilli. How many times will I have to hear how tough the flopping Argentinian is?

 
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At 8:09 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

"But those vacations were due to him being flat out benched because he was a slow cracker!"

Hmmm. If you were a white guy that used a racial slur to somthing like:
"The fight in Detroit happened because the NBA if full of 90% niggers from the ghetto who can't control thier emotions."
But because you're black you can say anything that you want and no one is going to say anything about it all. That is as sad and ridiculous as having to to push one to continue in English.

 

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